Just Me

I've discovered, at least for me, there's a huge difference in depression and sadness. When I went through clinical depression, I didn't care where I was or if I even changed clothes. I just wanted to be alone. I could sit and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours. I would make myself eat, but cry the whole time I was eating as my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't distinguish one fron the other. With sadness I want to eat, just have a hard time eating a regular meal. I usually have a few bites of dinner then cook me Cup A Soups later, which drives my daughter crazy. When I'm alone I want to be around people and when I'm around people I want to be alone. I at least try occupying my time with shows, movies or games on my phone. I do tend to sleep a lot. I still can't watch any of the shows Tony and I watched together everyday. I know this does not make sense to most people but when I was depressed the crying would be from the racing thoughts in my head. With grief it's from my heart, a longing for what I know will never be again. Both cause confusion, the inability to make a decision or if you do then you second guess was it the right decision. In truth, I was sad long before Tony passed. Watching his health fail over the years, knowing my time was limited with him. He mentioned on numerous occasions that he was tired. Tired of the dizzy spells, tired of the confusion, tired of not knowing what was wrong with himself. I am learning to breathe on my own. We all have good and bad days. I'm taking it one day at a time. I am very grateful for the support I get. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned is reach out to family and friend's when you need help. You will discover you are surrounded with love and support.