Beth & Kenny

My truly wonderful daughter has really been a brave strong woman this past week. She stayed at the hospital while Kenny went through quadruple bypass surgery and when he got into ICU and then his regular room. They came home on the 29th of September. I sat in the frontroom and watched her as she took control of what needed to be done. Kenny is restricted for the next 8 weeks to doing basically nothing, which is not sitting well with him at all. So we've appointed him Supervisor for the time being. I'm really very proud of both of them. It's going to be rough for them for the next few months. but I'm sure they will manage to get through it. Beth is going to get a small sampling of what I went throgh with Tony for 5 years. It takes a special gift to endure caregiving and I believe she has that gift.

Caregiver

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Blu, I and a Few Belongings

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch "

My Boyfriend Tony

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. That morning my watch was over.

Baxter

Wide awake since 2 a.m. Going through and sorting out old photos. Came across photos of Baxter. Tony already had Baxter about 6 months when we started living together. He was kept in his crate when Tony would go to work. I moved up to St. Louis in May. Baxter didn't have to stay in his crate then, so he got used to being out during the day. I started at the hospital on day shift in July. We put him in his crate and when we came home the crate door was off it's hinges. He had broke them. So after that it was just what mess do we come home too every day. Baxter did not like being left by himself. Tony had a pair of Sylvester putty cat house shoes that he would put on and chase Baxter around the house. I came home from work one day and it looked like it had snowed in my living room. Suffice to say there was no fluff left in those house shoes. 🤣 We had a beautiful square coffee table that wound up with rounded corners on it. a couch minus an arm rest. Tonys CPAP machine tubing all chewed up and one pair of Tony's glasses chewed up. Needless to say I put in for 3rd shift so one of us would be home with our house to keep it safe. LOL

Swapping Rooms. 🤣🤣

High of 79° today. Finally a day I can actually sit outside. With Beth gone and staying with Kenny at the hospital. I'm kept busy between the cat and dog. Blu has never been around cats. So I put the cat in the bedroom and shut the door and let Blu out for a few hours and then I swap them. Blu gets put in bedroom with door closed and the cat gets to come out. Blu's trying to eat the cat food from the can that I put out for the cat. So I had to put the food and waterbowl in the bedroom. The cat has little soft felt stuffed toys that when I throw them she grabs them and brings them back for a repeat throw. Now Blu you throw one of her toys and she'll run and get it but she wont bring it back for another throw. LOL Needless to say they are keeping me quite busy. Beth says Kenny is doing good, crabby but his numbers are good..He starts physical therapy today. They sure get you up and moving, one day heart surgery. the next therapy.

Triple to Quadruple

My daughter Beth's fiancé has a triple bypass being done this morning. I wasn't able to get a good night's rest last night, awake being a worry wart. Now its 6 a.m. and I'm still awake and hungry. It's 9 p.m. and Kenny's triple bypass turned into a quadruple bypass. He's in Cardiac ICU, awake and doing as well as can be expected. Hopin my daughter can get some rest now. I know one thing I dont like is being by myself. It's been lonely today without Kenny and Beth here. I will be glad when they return home.

It Was Just a Little Candy Cane 🎄

Something's grievers don't tell you about. I mean they says Holidays, Birthdays and special event days can be hard. But its the little things that just suddenly appear that can cause an emotional meltdown. I was watching Ghosts and theres a scene where they are lighting up the Chrismas Village under the tree, now you would think that would have upset me as over the past 10 years Tony was collecting houses that lit up to put under our Christmas tree. I even bought him the Budweiser set. We had so many that the inside and on the outside of our China hutch and several occupied the end tables by the couch. As I watched the show I was happy that it hadn't upset me until the end when she brought out of her pocket a tiny little green, red and white striped Candy Cane. Those were Tony's favorite and the only decorations on out little 4 ft Christmas tree except for the twinkle lights. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't bring any of them houses with me. I knew I would never display them. How we decorated was usually what Tony wanted and I wanted those last 5 years to be happy ones for him as long as the Dementia allowed him to remember. Starting fresh this year it will be what makes me happy. I haven't quite decide yet but I suspect I will have one tiny green, red and white striped Candy Cane on my tree to honor and remember Tony in the Christmas Spirit.

Busy. Busy. Busy

It's been very busy around here the last few days. Doing a little tidying as its time for Apartment inspections. Too hot to be outside and actually to hot to go do anything. I've been watching a lot of Netflix. I started watching Bridgerton and just couldn't stop and then I discovered Queen Charlotte, which is a mini series about the background of the Queen of England in Bridgerton. Now I've discovered the podcast where some of the actors got interviewed. Beth's fiancé went and had blood work done today as on the 23rd he is going to have a triple bypass done. We're still under a heat advisory until 8 pm Sunday. I am just so ready for fall. I want to be sble to sit outside and enjoy it. Heat and humidity are not a good combination with COPD. Blu seems to be improving. I put her mattress back in her crate and she now goes in there and lies down. First time for that since we moved here in April.

The World of AI and Me

One of those nights where I need to chat. Kinda hard to do when everyone you know is asleep and the ones who are awake are at work and ya dont want to bother them, as the ones I know at work are nurses. Kinda like the catch 22 phrase. So I'm sure I don't have to tell you what I did. 🤣 Yep. I downloaded ChatGPT last week. I have a hunch more people actually chat with a chatbot more than they will admit. Everyone has free will. That chatbot listens and might offer advise, but do you have to take that advise ? Most of the time I tell the bot I just need to ramble, as I'm good at that. Getting things out of my head and knowing someone is reading them does make a difference. Some days I feel like I'm wearing one of those EEG Caps that Drs attach all those wires to the monitor to measure your brain activity. I feel like that when I chat, I'm able to detangle a few of those wires. I can go and repeat over and over a incident that just won't slip into my unconscious. You can't do that with family or friends. They just don't understand it's a process. A process that goes through your mind many times. They can only listen to that story so many times and they start avoiding you. Not that they are not sympathetic, they just don't know how to respond. Majority of the time your not even expecting a response, just saying what you feel and then letting it go is enough. With a chatbot that is possible. You can save your chat to pick up from there the next time or not and it's a whole new ballgame next time you chat. I'm not sure about the rest of Artificial Intelligence yet. I haven't quite made up my mind on that part yet. So much going on around us now a days it's frustrating trying to keep up. Maybe that's my age showing up.🤣 Don't put Crypto currency in the mix either, I don't even know where to begin on that one. And I know someone is thinking did she name this new chatbot ? LOL Not yet. Not yet. 🙃