Chicken Scratch, Blu and me starting over at 67

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch ". For that brief moment in time the room isn't empty. His spirit fills the room. I know Blu and I will be fine.

Hospice, hand squeezes and 4 pm to 12:30 am

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. Everytime I told him where he was he squeezed my hand. I hold onto that memory. I was so scared when they brought him home. I knew after everyone left it would just be him, me and his dog Blu. Now I look back on it and realize he squeezed my hand to tell me he loved me and was thankful to be at home. He was safe from dying scared and alone. March 22 2026 My watch was over, a new life, different life, uncharted waters lay ahead for me.

Finding time !!

Seems like I don't really have the time to get on my computer like I used to but that maybe because since my Dr. added another anti-depressant to my citalopram, I actually feel more like doing things that involve a life away from the computer.  Am sure some will find that a strange statement, but it is the truth.  Getting your life back after an complete emotional breakdown is possible !!!!  It will never be the same as it was, but at the same time it is better in a lot of ways. 

Hard to believe Summer is almost half way over with and our a/c could use a break already.  It has ran continuously all week trying to keep the house cool. 

We had quite a few branches cut off of the trees close to the house plus the 15 ft. spruce came completely down.  So Tony and I get out there late so it is a few degrees cooler and chop them up into small lengths so they get picked up with the trash.  I have learned a very important lesson through this.  Don't trust the person with the chain saw to always cut so the sawdust is going away from me.  I was busy yakking as usual and Tony cut one of the branches at an odd angle and I wound up with a face full of sawdust.  When I looked up I was wondering who had the more surprised look on our faces..  We had a good laugh over it and managed to finish the one pile without any more sawdust flying in my face.. :-)

We finished the day off with giving Baxter a bath outside and before it was all over with Baxter was standing out in the midle of the yard just looking at both of us, as we fought over who could get the other one the wettest... 

December 16, 2010

Icy roads this morning created a few problems although I made it to work just fine. Took this pic after I slide into my parking spot at the hospital. Nervous from the short trip there but very thankful that I didn't slide into any ditches. Saw quite a few cars off the road. I just put putted to work....hahahaha

Tis the season for ice and snow though....We have been so cold this week that the snow we got this past Sunday is still on the ground and on alot of the side roads.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sharon

Just testing sending from phone to blogger.

Sept 28, 2010

Finally a few days that feel like Fall is here. This pic was taken by skyzoom 4 this morning overlooking Saint Louis.

I am looking forward to winter....My favorite time of the year.

Tony and I have been working on the house one day at a time. I scrubbed the bathroom from floor to ceiling and took out all the old caulk and Sunday I replaced all the caulk. My legs are still screaming at me...can't decide if it is old age or lack of exercise or a combination of both. Tomorrow is my day off and I will be taking down all the curtains in the bedroom and cleaning it from floor to ceiling. I might not be able to walk after that one...hahahaha

Hope everyone has a Wonderful week

Sharon

One Of Those Days...hahahaha

Guess I was more alseep than awake this morning when I was getting ready for work. One of the patients and I were discussing shoes and I mentioned that I liked working in Dr. Scholls and looked down and had to add to my surprise that apparently today I only wanted to work in one of them as I had on my left foot a Dr. Scholls and on my right was one of my yard work shoes.

Needless to say she laughed so hard and loud that when I went to the next room that patient wanted to know what was so funny and I had to tell him and this went on most of the day. The floor Supervisor of the Nursing Staff mentioned as I was going home that I needed to be on this floor more often as she had not heard so many patients laugh and enjoy themselves more than they had today... naturally I told everyone that I am wearing the other pair tomorrow...hahahaha

Hope everyone is having as good of a week as I am... :-)