Splish, Splash

Summer rain, nothing else quite feels like it. The smell of the fresh rain. Memories of rushing outdoors, splashing in the puddles in our barefeet. We had a ditch that was about 3 foot deep that ran along the front of our yard. When it rained a lot it would fill up. If it didn't fill up but half way we would jump into it, with our tenny shoes on as people would throw their soda bottles out of their cars and sometimes they would bust. Very rare you see a ditch along a house now as they all have pipes underground for the water to move through. Our family home had no Air Conditioning, we had an attic fan and window fans. Mom would shoosh us outside after breakfast so she could get her housework done. The house was hot during the day so it was better to just play outside. We used the waterhose to cool off with. There was always plenty of kids to play with. I remember before we moved to Arkansas we lived in Rockford, Illinois. There was 2 boys next door I did not like playing with or rather I did not like them playing on our swingset. One time they got on the teeter totter part of it and I rammed my head into the underpart of one of the seats to stop it. We wound up in the Doctors office. I don't remember if i got stitches but I do remember that huge lollipop he gave me. Now I think back on it. When I repeated that action again and the 2nd time I did get stitches. Was it all because I wanted another of those big lollipops? Our Dad removed the teeter totter. When we moved from Illinois to Arkansas, I remember the swingset got put up without the teeter totter on it. Years later Dad built a shed with a leanto carport on it. He paved the driveway, even under the carport. Everytime I stepped up into that shed, I could look down and a corner of that yellow teeter totter seat stuck out from where it had been buried underneath that asphalt.

From Sun Up to Sun Down

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love her more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee from Sun Up to Sun Down. >

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Chicken Scratch, Blu and me starting over at 67

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch ". For that brief moment in time the room isn't empty. His spirit fills the room. I know Blu and I will be fine.

Hospice, hand squeezes and 4 pm to 12:30 am

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. Everytime I told him where he was he squeezed my hand. I hold onto that memory. I was so scared when they brought him home. I knew after everyone left it would just be him, me and his dog Blu. Now I look back on it and realize he squeezed my hand to tell me he loved me and was thankful to be at home. He was safe from dying scared and alone. March 22 2026 My watch was over, a new life, different life, uncharted waters lay ahead for me.

Finding time !!

Seems like I don't really have the time to get on my computer like I used to but that maybe because since my Dr. added another anti-depressant to my citalopram, I actually feel more like doing things that involve a life away from the computer.  Am sure some will find that a strange statement, but it is the truth.  Getting your life back after an complete emotional breakdown is possible !!!!  It will never be the same as it was, but at the same time it is better in a lot of ways. 

Hard to believe Summer is almost half way over with and our a/c could use a break already.  It has ran continuously all week trying to keep the house cool. 

We had quite a few branches cut off of the trees close to the house plus the 15 ft. spruce came completely down.  So Tony and I get out there late so it is a few degrees cooler and chop them up into small lengths so they get picked up with the trash.  I have learned a very important lesson through this.  Don't trust the person with the chain saw to always cut so the sawdust is going away from me.  I was busy yakking as usual and Tony cut one of the branches at an odd angle and I wound up with a face full of sawdust.  When I looked up I was wondering who had the more surprised look on our faces..  We had a good laugh over it and managed to finish the one pile without any more sawdust flying in my face.. :-)

We finished the day off with giving Baxter a bath outside and before it was all over with Baxter was standing out in the midle of the yard just looking at both of us, as we fought over who could get the other one the wettest... 

December 16, 2010

Icy roads this morning created a few problems although I made it to work just fine. Took this pic after I slide into my parking spot at the hospital. Nervous from the short trip there but very thankful that I didn't slide into any ditches. Saw quite a few cars off the road. I just put putted to work....hahahaha

Tis the season for ice and snow though....We have been so cold this week that the snow we got this past Sunday is still on the ground and on alot of the side roads.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sharon