The Cigarettes Are on Notice !!

Ya know? I quit smoking December 31, 2024. Thought that would be a good gift for myself, considering I had been smoking since I was 15. And it's not a good excuse, but the day Tony went into the hospital January 28 2026, I picked up a cigarette and smoked it. Now that Blu and I are more settled, I'm thinking it's time to pick another date and quit. Last time I used the nicotine patch and gum. I remember being scared. It's like being a tightrope walker without a net. I remember just shaking like I had a fever or was cold but it was nerves. That lasted the first week even though I had the patch and gum. I lost count of how many times I would reach for my cigarettes and lighter, only to remind myself that they were gone. I did however have 2 cigarettes and a lighter in my purse. But those were only "Break Glass in an Emergency" situation.🤣 This time I'm going to try nicotine pouches. I love my coffee and they come in coffee flavor. I think the one advantage I have those go around is I might still be scared but I know that fades within a week. Last time I was off everything by week 6 except I had gone to sugarfree gum. That's one habit I got from quitting. several times a week I have to have my sugarfree gum to chew. After a few weeks of quitting I asked Tony had he even noticed I had quit. By this time he was going into the advance stages of dementia. He offered to go outside and smoke. I thought that awful sweet but we were in Wintertime. Over the next year he would stop and ask me "When did you quit smoking?" I would reply "Oh a few weeks ago."And he'd offer again to go outside to smoke or just not smoke around me. I wasn't about to take away that small pleasure in life he had left. He enjoyed watching t.v. and his cigarettes right there. So soon I will pick me a date with giving up the cigarettes. I'll be back with progress reports on just how scary the 2nd time is or just how crabby I can get. 🤣🤣

Daylight Breaks

Daylight breaks, another day without Tony. I still wake up thinking I need to get up and get our day started. I'm going over my list in my head, thinking about all the things that need to be done. Then I remember. I'm not at home. Tony is gone, and I don't have all those things to do anymore. Five years of having each day follow the same routine is a hard habit to break. I retired from the hospital as Tony's dementia began requiring a 24/7 caretaker. Every day, we were up at 5 a.m., and my day didn't end until I'd gotten him settled in bed with the TV on at 7 p.m. Now, I haven't quite figured out what to do with all this free time I have. Taking care of Blu doesn't take up much of my day. She's a pretty lazy dog and prefers to sleep a lot. 😂 It's been suggested that I take up a hobby, but one thing grieving does is make even the simplest decisions difficult. And when you finally do make a decision, you find yourself second-guessing it. Maybe, for now, I'm just meant to learn to relax. That's definitely something I haven't done in many years. Soon hopefully I'll start thinking of where I'm at as home. ❤️

Don't Spoil My Ride !!

Have I mentioned here lately, I'm so ready for cooler weather. We're suppose to get a feel of it this coming weekend. I know I'm going to miss the winter in St. Louis. We usually got a few good snows every year. I love the snow. I'd get in my van and just drive around the neighborhood, with my window down. When we'd get a heavy snowfall, it was just so quiet. Just the crunch of the tires on the snow as I drove real slow. When I would have to go to work, I'd take all the side streets there just to enjoy it. Tony would say " Take the main highways, they are cleared off. " Seriously. Dont spoil my ride. I'd always take my breaks on the 10th floor so I could look out and get a birds eye view of the winter wonderland below. OK. It was the courtyard for eating, but it was beautiful until they started clearing the seats off.. When I'd sit in my van on break, every now and then a bunch of deer would come out of the woods beside the hospital. Naturally being raised hunting and fishing. My natural instinct was to count the antlers if they were close enough. If your blessed with the cooler temperatures this weekend, I hope you get out and enjoy it as I can remember plenty of Thanksgjving's and Christmas's where as kids we played outside in shorts and t-shirts. It won't last long but I can hope it does.

Thankful my Boxer has adjusted

Blu turns 6 in a few weeks. She sure has gone through a lot in that time. She grew up with Tony having Dementia. Her and I learned what worked and what didn't work along the way. His good days and his bad. What frustrated him the most. She had a sense about her that when he was having a really hard day, she would lay her head on his lap and let him pet her, which seemed to really calm himm down. He loved her very much. When he got to the point he was unsteady on his feet, she would watch him closely. He developed dizzy spells, which the drs. could never figure out why. They ran every test imaginable on him and still couldn't figure out the dizzy spells. If he fell she would come barking at me. If he was outside working in the yard, she would run from window to window throughout the whole house to keep up with him. She would do the same thing if he fell outside, come running to me barking. I always turned the sound off on the T.V. when he went outside, as that way I could hear him yelling if he fell. The night we took him to the ER he told her goodbye. He had never done that before. He could barely walk out to the car. He was hallucinating, had delusions, didn't know who he himself was. His daughter took him. As I was walking back to the house I could see and hear Blu howling and she had not ever howled while awake, only in her sleep. Tony was in the hospital a month when they discovered he had advance stage 3 esophageal cancer. At that point he was barely talking, not opening his eyes , not eating, still didnt know who he himself was. I would go to visit and since he was at the hospital I had worked at for 18 years, I would go visit all my old work buddies and then drop back by to say goodnight. I went back to say good night and he acted like I hadn't even been in there for the last 2 hours with him. he thought I was just getting there. He was in the hospital for 3 months, they moved him to a nursing home but Tony had always made me promise, please bring him home to die. We had hospice bring all the equipment and bed on a Saturday morning March 21st and the Hospital transferred him home Saturday afternoon around 4 p.m. Hospice nurse stayed to instruct me on meds. He was DNR and was already off food and water. I lowered the bed so Blu could visit with him. She kept licking his hand and whined a little bit and then crawled under the hospice bed. I remember holding Tony's hand telling him he was home and he squeezed my hand and then I told him he could let go anytime that Blu and I would stick together, we would be alright and he squeezed my hand again. She just watched every move I made. We fell asleep around 10:30 p.m. and I woke up at 12:38 a.m. and he was gone. I lowered the bed so Blu could say goodbye. She sat at the edge of the bed and whined. After about 10 minutes she turned and went and jumped in her recliner and fell asleep. Our watch was over. Tonys son was anxious to sell the house so Blu and I were left with just a few weeks to figure out what to do. My daughter and her fiancé told us we could come live with them. So since his daughter was going to take us to Arkansas we really couldn't bring much with us. Blu lost her buddy, the home she grew up in and had to move to an unfamiliar place all with in a few weeks time. It took her a few months of grieving and adjusting but she has finally adjusted to her new surroundings. Well I should say the room she stays in most the time. She is quite over protective of me and her territory (The room) I am the only thing she has left that is familiar to her.Seeing that goofy face and that little tongue sticking out reminds me that she’s okay. She’s happy. And she’s still Blu. ❤️🐾

Beth & Kenny

My truly wonderful daughter has really been a brave strong woman this past week. She stayed at the hospital while Kenny went through quadruple bypass surgery and when he got into ICU and then his regular room. They came home on the 29th of September. I sat in the frontroom and watched her as she took control of what needed to be done. Kenny is restricted for the next 8 weeks to doing basically nothing, which is not sitting well with him at all. So we've appointed him Supervisor for the time being. I'm really very proud of both of them. It's going to be rough for them for the next few months. but I'm sure they will manage to get through it. Beth is going to get a small sampling of what I went throgh with Tony for 5 years. It takes a special gift to endure caregiving and I believe she has that gift.

When Caregiving Ends: Learning to Live Again

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 7 pm. For the first time in over 20 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. They discovered he had Esophageal Cancer. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee Now I'm saddled with the task of learning to live again. Somedays I wake up and think. I can't adult today. 🤦‍♀️

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Blu, I and a Few Belongings

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch "

My Boyfriend Tony

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. That morning my watch was over.

Baxter

Wide awake since 2 a.m. Going through and sorting out old photos. Came across photos of Baxter. Tony already had Baxter about 6 months when we started living together. He was kept in his crate when Tony would go to work. I moved up to St. Louis in May. Baxter didn't have to stay in his crate then, so he got used to being out during the day. I started at the hospital on day shift in July. We put him in his crate and when we came home the crate door was off it's hinges. He had broke them. So after that it was just what mess do we come home too every day. Baxter did not like being left by himself. Tony had a pair of Sylvester putty cat house shoes that he would put on and chase Baxter around the house. I came home from work one day and it looked like it had snowed in my living room. Suffice to say there was no fluff left in those house shoes. 🤣 We had a beautiful square coffee table that wound up with rounded corners on it. a couch minus an arm rest. Tonys CPAP machine tubing all chewed up and one pair of Tony's glasses chewed up. Needless to say I put in for 3rd shift so one of us would be home with our house to keep it safe. LOL

Swapping Rooms. 🤣🤣

High of 79° today. Finally a day I can actually sit outside. With Beth gone and staying with Kenny at the hospital. I'm kept busy between the cat and dog. Blu has never been around cats. So I put the cat in the bedroom and shut the door and let Blu out for a few hours and then I swap them. Blu gets put in bedroom with door closed and the cat gets to come out. Blu's trying to eat the cat food from the can that I put out for the cat. So I had to put the food and waterbowl in the bedroom. The cat has little soft felt stuffed toys that when I throw them she grabs them and brings them back for a repeat throw. Now Blu you throw one of her toys and she'll run and get it but she wont bring it back for another throw. LOL Needless to say they are keeping me quite busy. Beth says Kenny is doing good, crabby but his numbers are good..He starts physical therapy today. They sure get you up and moving, one day heart surgery. the next therapy.