Do You Believe?

A Few nights after Tony passed away, I said outloud. I need to know your watching over us. I was watching a documentary on You Tube. I had a dinner tray in front of me and had my computer and cigarettes with lighter sitting on top of it. Blu and I both jumped at the same time when my lighter fell off my pack of cigarettes. The table was a full foot away from the couch. I sat there and stared at that lighter and then said Thank You. They say ask for something that seems impossible. I actually couldn't think of a single thing. I actually believe in spirits leaving us signs. Although when I worked at the hospital it was more pranks than signs. I started out on 1st shift there and one day another housekeeper and I were standing at her cart chatting. The carts were metal and had a metal lip around the whole top to keep you equipment from falling off. In the middle of one of her sentences a spray bottle just jumped off her cart and fell to the floor. We both looked at each other and then the bottle and back to each other. Both of our eyes could not have gotten any wider open than they were. We both actually laughed. When I started 3rd shift, I went in to clean a room. I always would raise the bed up high so I wouldn't have to bend over and then would spray it down with disinfectant so it could sit the required 10 minutes while I cleaned the rest of the room. I went over to start cleaning the sink area and in the mirror I see the bed going down. I walked back over and attempted to push the up button but the bed wouldnt raise back up. I proudly announced to the room. Thats fine, you have your fun but that is going to make my back really ache bad having to stoop over and in the mirror I see the bed going back up. Always polite I tell the room Thank You. After my Mom passed and my first night back to work I was going into a room to clean it. There was a male nurse in there gathering up all the equipment they had used on the patient. I start as usual with the bed and I heard the name Suzy Q whispered. I turn to him and Im thinking that wasn't a male voice and besides only my Mom called me that as my middle name is Sue. I turned back to start spraying the bed and the nurse says " Are we just going to pretend we didnt hear that voice say Suzy Q "? I didnt think he had heard it. He laughed and said " Well I'm not Suzy Q. So who is "? I told him " me ". He thought it was really neat. Before the night was over the whole staff in the hospital was talking about it. I have so many stories from my 20 years working there. Someone asked me one time didn't those events freak me out and I honestly had to say no. I certainly didn't ask for them but just accepted them as they happened. Never thought of them as scary but I never saw any people walking around who had passed on, as that would have shook me up for sure.

Living with COPD

Living with COPD, especially when the weather is extremely hot or cold is challenging. All the years that I smoked, that could be the main reason for my shortness of breathe. To be honest, my shortness of breathe came upon me during the pandemic. Working in a hospital in housekeeping is challenging enough on it's own, but I was the only housekeeper who handled what we called the tower (10 floors of rooms) on the 3rd shift. 8 hours of cleaning rooms with a mask on was not an easy task, especially when I was getting paged for back to back STAT cleans on rooms. In August I went into work with a really bad summer cold, they took my temperature, sent me down to the ER and I got tested and they said it was positive and sent me home. I was home almost 2 weeks before they let me go back to work. My breathing has never been the same since all that happened. They gave all the employees an ultimatium. Either get the vaccine or be fired, I chose early retirement. Vaccine or no Vaccine, I knew my working in a mask was just not going to continue. Now since I've moved to Arkansas I have had 2 acute COPD attacks. 1st one had me in the ER. I started home treatments with a nebulizer. My first visit with my Dr. had me walking up and down the hallway to see just how low my oxygen was going. Thank goodness my daughter went with me as I really didn't think I was going to make it up and down that hallway by myself. So now I'm on oxygen as needed at home. My 2nd acute attack was not as bad as my first and it helps that I have the equipment here to help take care of it. plus I have maintenance meds. I never realized how much energy your body puts out when it's struggling to breathe. I was struggling when Tony went into the hospital and on my last Dr. visit, over a few month's ago I had lost weight. I was thinking with all those Cup A Soups I eat, I would have gained. We are under another extreme heat warning for the next 3 days. I will be staying inside and eating my Cup A Soups. LOL

Just Me

I've discovered, at least for me, there's a huge difference in depression and sadness. When I went through clinical depression, I didn't care where I was or if I even changed clothes. I just wanted to be alone. I could sit and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours. I would make myself eat, but cry the whole time I was eating as my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't distinguish one fron the other. With sadness I want to eat, just have a hard time eating a regular meal. I usually have a few bites of dinner then cook me Cup A Soups later, which drives my daughter crazy. When I'm alone I want to be around people and when I'm around people I want to be alone. I at least try occupying my time with shows, movies or games on my phone. I do tend to sleep a lot. I still can't watch any of the shows Tony and I watched together everyday. I know this does not make sense to most people but when I was depressed the crying would be from the racing thoughts in my head. With grief it's from my heart, a longing for what I know will never be again. Both cause confusion, the inability to make a decision or if you do then you second guess was it the right decision. In truth, I was sad long before Tony passed. Watching his health fail over the years, knowing my time was limited with him. He mentioned on numerous occasions that he was tired. Tired of the dizzy spells, tired of the confusion, tired of not knowing what was wrong with himself. I am learning to breathe again. We all have good and bad days. I'm taking it one day at a time. I am very grateful for the support I get. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned is reach out to family and friend's when you need help. You will discover you are surrounded with love and support.

Summer Heat

I remember the first year the heat index in Jonesboro Arkansas hit 113°. My Dad took a picture of it on the T.V. My Greatgrandma Sharpe would tell me of the times the heat would be so oppresive that they would sleep outside in the breezeway of the house. My allergies got so bad one summer, that all I could do was constantly sneeze. I think it kept my parents awake as they took me to the family Dr. He suggested a window air conditioner unit, to filter out the pollen that was causing all the sneezing. I felt like I was in heaven, no sneezing and I was comfortably cool. Much better than the breeze from the window created by the attic fan we had.

Splish, Splash

Summer rain, nothing else quite feels like it. The smell of the fresh rain. Memories of rushing outdoors, splashing in the puddles in our barefeet. We had a ditch that was about 3 foot deep that ran along the front of our yard. When it rained a lot it would fill up. If it didn't fill up but half way we would jump into it, with our tenny shoes on as people would throw their soda bottles out of their cars and sometimes they would bust. Very rare you see a ditch along a house now as they all have pipes underground for the water to move through. Our family home had no Air Conditioning, we had an attic fan and window fans. Mom would shoosh us outside after breakfast so she could get her housework done. The house was hot during the day so it was better to just play outside. We used the waterhose to cool off with. There was always plenty of kids to play with. I remember before we moved to Arkansas we lived in Rockford, Illinois. There was 2 boys next door I did not like playing with or rather I did not like them playing on our swingset. One time they got on the teeter totter part of it and I rammed my head into the underpart of one of the seats to stop it. We wound up in the Doctors office. I don't remember if i got stitches but I do remember that huge lollipop he gave me. Now I think back on it. When I repeated that action again and the 2nd time I did get stitches. Was it all because I wanted another of those big lollipops? Our Dad removed the teeter totter. When we moved from Illinois to Arkansas, I remember the swingset got put up without the teeter totter on it. Years later Dad built a shed with a leanto carport on it. He paved the driveway, even under the carport. Everytime I stepped up into that shed, I could look down and a corner of that yellow teeter totter seat stuck out from where it had been buried underneath that asphalt.

From Sun Up to Sun Down

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee from Sun Up to Sun Down. >

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.