So Unexpected...

I'm lying here wide awake @ 1:30 a.m. My older sister passed away yesterday morning. It was not expected. She would have turned 69 on the 18th of this month. She had been in the hospital several weeks ago, dehydrated, borderline sepsis and had a absess pocket on her kidney. They hydrated her and put her on strong antibiotics. They kept her in there several days and then said all was well and she could go home. I messaged her every few days like I akways have and she said she was fine just tired. I messaged her Monday around 3:30 and I assumed she was busy at work and would message me back later. I didnt hear back from her so I thought well I'll just call her after work on Tuesday. Tuesday morning my sister Debbie got a message that our niece had found her Mom laying in her apartment floor. unconscious. They airlifted her from Jonesboro,AR to Memphis, TN. Hydrating her on the way. My niece and her husband left for Memphis. When Marsha arrived at the hospital, they sedated and intubated her. They said she had a bad infection in her kidneys and was Septic. My nephew ftom Illinois was driving there and when he got there they told her kids that her heart was failing and other organs were shutting down. They didn't think she would make it through the night. They held her hands and talked to her, they had removed the breathing tube and took her off the sedation meds and she was still unconscious. She made it through the night and the drs. decided to put her on 24 hour dialysis. She made it through the day with body temperature and blood pressure fluctuations. The kids went home to get some rest but at 2 a.m. she had passed away. I lost Tony and my older sister in less thsn 6 months. My Grief has just multiplied.

May 15, 1978

Memories of that EF4 tornado that hit Nettleton, Arkansas area is a memory that floods back into my mind, whenever it's even mentioned of a thunderstorm probability happening. I'm sure i am not the only one to survive a tornado that thinks like that. It hit around 10 p.m. My sister's and I had already gone to bed. I remember lying there listening to the thunder and watching the constant lightening. I heard my dad tell my Mom they should run some extra water as the storm might knock out the electricity. We had well water that was drawn up by an electrical pump. His next sentence was " Donna Jean (in our house anytime your first and middle name were used together you had better pay attention) grab the girls, that's a tornado. My dad grabbed my older sister Marsha and my mom grabbed my younger sister Debbie and I from our beds and took us to their bedroom. Dad had pulled the mattress off their bed, he held one end over us while mom held the other. One of them said "Where's Marsha"? We had been taught if any storm gets bad get under the bed. we'll that's where she was, nevermind she was under the springs. Their bottom mattress had no covering over it. it was just the bare springs. I'm not sure if my dad pulled her under the mattress or if she did herself, but we were all huddled there together during it. I remember the wind, thinking it sounded like it was shrieking and taking so long. Then pressure built up in my ears and I could hardly hear anything until a huge crash came from the frontroom and my ears popped and then dead silence.I think that's one of my regrets, not ever asking my dad how he had known that was a tornado. I don't ever recall his mentioning he had been in one before. There was still flashes of lightening and my dad was going through the house making sure we still had walls. He was looking through the windows and he said. The duplex they were building beside us was roofless now and the house behind us was gone. No electricity and a hole in the frontroom window. We found out the next morning that a post from the front porch was what put that hole in the window. When it broke it, the pressure in the house being relieved knocked our Parakeet and his cage across the room. The living room floor was covered in glass. Pieces of glass were even bigger than the hole in the window. It wasnt long before we started seeing the effects from the storm as the neighbors behind us brought their 2 daughter's, over to us as their son (my age, as we were in the same class at school) was being taken to the hospital, as the tornado had picked him up and flung him through a 6 ft. high chain link fence and threw him into the Nettleton High School football field that was right behind their house.. He had gashes all over his body. My cousin, David was dropped off as my uncle Fred had used his body to shield his family when it hit their house and he had bits of glass imbedded in him. They lived on the block behind us. I remember my mom praying outloud, thanking the Lord for sparing our family and friends. At first light we were srarting to see just how close it came to our house. We weren't allowed off the porch until they were sure all electrical lines were dead. I remember my dad saying " Watch where " as I am hellbent to get out on that porch and see the damage and one of my legs fell through a hole in the porch. He finished " as theres a hole in the porch from the post.". LOL What a look on his face, like he knew I would be the one to fall into it. It was just one leg in it but it sure scraped up my leg. Then I realized the porch roof was gone. It was just a flat slanted roof but once I got to the edge of the porch, there it was, laying up on top of the roof of the house. All the junk that was under the carport had been swept by the strong winds to the back fence. The roof of the duplex was laying in the school yard. The scool that was just across the side street next to us was completely destroyed. Just a lot of bricks and all of the library books strewn all over the school yard. We went over and I found me a cookbook for beginner cooking lessons. The only classroom left standing was my olders sister's classroom. Later we found out the high scool had been destroyed as well. Our front tree was a huge Pin Oak. The tornado had driven a straw through one of the branches with out tearing the plastic at all and another branch had a rubber coated electrical wire through it. After picking up the books I wanted I don't remember much else from that day other than my Uncle came home from the hospital and they took him to my Uncle J.D.'s house as Uncle Fred's house had been lifted and put back down on its foundation crooked. They would have to have that house torn down and rebuilt. Some teenagers that afternoon came running down the street hollering we have another Tornado on the way. Which naturally scared us kids. By then my dad was up on the roof, taking the porch roof apart, so he could get it off the house. He told my Mom to take us to Uncle J.D's house. He didn't see anything around us and he didn't want to come off the roof. So we walked down the block to his house. Thats the last thing I remember. Am sure my sisters remember more, but I dont think we have ever gotten together and discussed that day. A story done by the K8 news April 26.2012. https://www.kait8.com/story/17795369/what-would-happen-if-the-1968-jonesboro-tornado-happened-today/ Included an interview from my cousin and the Superintendent of Nettleton schools. ((( David Dudley, an 8-year-old boy at the time, remembers that night well. "He got us into the living room and piled on top of us. And I can remember looking up, he was on top of us. I saw the T.V. go across the room. The house was vibrating so bad the phone was ringing, if you can believe that." ))) Nettleton Schools take a direct hit. ((( Nettleton Superintendent, James Dunivan describes the district's devastation. "It did a lot of damage in Jonesboro and also to the Nettleton School District. We lost several buildings, had to do a lot of rebuilding…had a lot of school for some period of time after that even in portable buildings."))) As a side note.... I did use that cookbook. I made biscuits from one of it's recipes for our dinner one night and teasing me, my dad picked up one of those biscuits and threw it against the wall. He said, no hole in the wall guess they are ok to eat. LOL

First Jobs

My first job was working at a motel called the Jamie Bee, helping my Mom, clean the rooms. I loved helping her. I would run the trash out to the dumpster. I'm thinking that's probably why she let me work with her. I was only 14 at the time. A woman's basket ball team stayed there while I was working there.. They were called "The Redheads". And they definitely all had bright red hair and the towels in all their rooms were partially bright red also.🤣 My mom washed them and gave them back the bright red stained towels to use. They were like the Harlem Globetrotters. They did tricks to the other team members and fun things with the audience. Lynn Thomas, who played from 1971 to 1973 said "The red hair – from Clairol 33 – was part of the team’s signature look, too, and “she called it Bozo red,”. “If you didn’t rinse it out and then played and sweated, that red dye would run down your face.” I worked there through the summer. when school started I got my work permit and started working at the Malco Tri Cinema. I started out at $1.60 and hour. Call me a hillbilly, but I was in Hog Heaven. I loved working there. It wasn't long and I was head of the concession stand. Then they let me learn how to sell tickets. There was 2 women who were much older than us that sold the tickets every night. One was tall and skinny and the other short and chubby. I'll never forget that I saw my first interracial couple there. She was beautiful and he was very nice looking. I worked nights during the week and matinee's on the weekend. A few years go by and Im graduating a year early as I had enough points in all my subjects. I kept working there so I could pay for eveything associated with graduation. I got my high school graduation ring and I just had to wear it to show it off, until I lost in the popcorn machine. We never did find it and we often wondered who's bag of popcorn did it go into and why they didn't turn it in. My older sister Marsha worked as a cashier for Wyatts Cafateria. I got a job there busing the tables and then got moved up to fry cook. I still kept my job at the Movie Theater also. I was interested in buying my first car. Our Mom made us take a driving course at the University that was in Jonesboro. after that I got my first car. A 1968 Canary Yellow Camero with a manual transmission. Now I had never drove a stick shift before. I learned to drive on my Mom's Maverick. It was automatic transmission. My Dad drove it home after I bought it. when we got home lots of my friend were there to see it. My dad demonstrated all the gears to me and handed me the keys and he got in the passenger seat. We drove around all the blocks in the neighborhood. I had no problem handling that 3 speed shift. Just as we were getting near our driveway for me to park. Dad jumped in the back seat and was practically standing on his head. When I parked he climbed over the seat and out the door and announced to all there that it had been a very bumpy ride. 🤣 Excerpt from Kary Booer from her article https://mosportshalloffame.com/inductee-spotlight-all-american-red-heads/ "

BOOM !!!

Strolling down memory lane tonight. . . My 2nd marriage was a disaster...No more marriages for me. We lived down in the Southwest corner of Arkansas, in the Ozark Mountains. No mosquitoes but those huge black flies. Ugh. They were too much to deal with. After a few years I was ready to move back to the Northeast corner of Arkansas. We moved into a camper at his parent's house until we could find an apartment. After being out with friends one night, we came home to find the heater's pilot light has gone out. It was hooked to a big propane tank outside. I reached down to shut the valve off so we could air the place out. It smelled like spoilt eggs. Before I could get the valve off, my ex had pulled out his lighter to give me light to see it and before I could say NO---BOOM--- I literally saw everything light up in a Bright color of Orange and watched the walls of that camper bowing out. The door got blown off its hinges. That is more than likey what saved us and that camper. When my ex husband turned around I couldn't help myself I busted out laughing. Both his eyebrows were gone and part of his mustache looked melted. I just couldn't help it everytime I thought of how he looked when he turned around I would bust out laughing. When daylight arrived my ex and his brother and dad inspected the camper. ALL the pop rivets had been blown out. His dad just shook his head and said he was shocked we made it through that blast. You would think I would have been upset. That BOOM was so loud everyone on the whole street came running out of their houses. Afterwards, I walked around laughing for 2 days. Why I thought that was funny, I have no idea. Probably just my way of dealing with that situation. Everyone looked at me like I had gone nuts. Everytime I think back on it now, all I can think of is what would have happened if that door hadn't blown off. I was very thankful I was standing behind him when it blew up. Later I found out, they add that smell to the gas so it warns people that there is gas present. Terror and absurdity all tangled together. That's not the first time I coould have died. I'll have to stroll down memory lane again soon. I seriously wonder was I a cat in a past life. If so I've used up 4 or 5 of those 9 lives they say cats have 🙃

It's Official...

I have definitely gotten my days and nights mixed up. I took a four hour nap after dinner yesterday and then up through the night.That was my routine when I worked 3rd shift at the hospital. As I'm writing this, it is 12:15 a.m. Aug 7th. Just random thoughts this mornjng. It will be 4 or 5 a.m. when I finally get tired enough to lay down. Just a few more days and the " Dog Day's of Summer " Will be over. Astronomical Origin: The phrase comes from the Latin diēs caniculārēs, meaning "dog star days." Ancient cultures believed the star Sirius, known as the "Dog Star," combined its heat with the Sun’s, causing the intense summer temperatures. When actually...The heat during these days is due to the tilt of the Earth, which causes the Sun’s rays to hit the Northern Hemisphere more directly. Interesting " tilt of the earth ". Kinda makes me wonder, what flat earthers have to say about that. Me I stay out of that discussion. I've listened to both sides of the arguments over round or flat earth. It does though make one stop and wonder about it. Changing the subject but, I can remember in the late 1960's and early 1970's actually believing that crude oil solely came dead dinosaurs. Now they do still say Crude oil forms from ancient marine and lacustrine (near lakes) microorganisms (e.g., algae, zooplankton, bacteria) that died and were buried. Sinclair Oil Company used a brontosaurus mascot to signify the ancient age of their product. Do any of you remember that? One summer my Dad kept saying, we need to go get some of that "Kick A Poo Gas". we just laughed at him, thinking he made it up. The whole family piled into the car for a Sunday drive. After an hour or so we pull into a gas station and sure enough, the sign on the station said Kick A Poo gas here. I have no idea where we was as searching the past, they say there never had any stations in Arkansas. kinda thinking since it was the hot topic at the time, the guy just hung a sign up to maybe get more customers. I loved those Sunday drives except for the gravel roads, especially the old rickety bridges. It never failed he would stop right in the middle of those bridges. Some had parts of their boards missing and you could see straight down at the water through the holes

Miss. Sheeva Marie

Yesreday, Beth (my daughter) and I were in the kitchen. Her kitten Sheeva was head first down in a package of dum dums. She pulled out a Sour Apple and put it on the table. Beth put it back in the bag and Kenny her fiancé put the bag up. Well, Beth put the bag back on the table to see what Sheeva would do and sure enough she went back into that bag and pulled out another lollipop "Sour Apple ". Beth and I moved to the frontroom. It wasn't long and we hear a lollipop hit the floor. Beth got up to look and it was the same flavor. We went back to chatting and laughing and the whole time Sheeva is busy in that bag. when we got up to look there was several lollipop on the floor and they were "Sour Apple". I think she is telling us what her favorite flavor is or at least her favorite smell. LOL Sour Apple

Do You Believe?

A Few nights after Tony passed away, I said outloud. I need to know your watching over us. I was watching a documentary on You Tube. I had a dinner tray in front of me and had my computer and cigarettes with lighter sitting on top of it. Blu and I both jumped at the same time when my lighter fell off my pack of cigarettes. The table was a full foot away from the couch. I sat there and stared at that lighter and then said Thank You. They say ask for something that seems impossible. I actually couldn't think of a single thing. I actually believe in spirits leaving us signs. Although when I worked at the hospital it was more pranks than signs. I started out on 1st shift there and one day another housekeeper and I were standing at her cart chatting. The carts were metal and had a metal lip around the whole top to keep you equipment from falling off. In the middle of one of her sentences a spray bottle just jumped off her cart and fell to the floor. We both looked at each other and then the bottle and back to each other. Both of our eyes could not have gotten any wider open than they were. We both actually laughed. When I started 3rd shift, I went in to clean a room. I always would raise the bed up high so I wouldn't have to bend over and then would spray it down with disinfectant so it could sit the required 10 minutes while I cleaned the rest of the room. I went over to start cleaning the sink area and in the mirror I see the bed going down. I walked back over and attempted to push the up button but the bed wouldnt raise back up. I proudly announced to the room. Thats fine, you have your fun but that is going to make my back really ache bad having to stoop over and in the mirror I see the bed going back up. Always polite I tell the room Thank You. After my Mom passed and my first night back to work I was going into a room to clean it. There was a male nurse in there gathering up all the equipment they had used on the patient. I start as usual with the bed and I heard the name Suzy Q whispered. I turn to him and Im thinking that wasn't a male voice and besides only my Mom called me that as my middle name is Sue. I turned back to start spraying the bed and the nurse says " Are we just going to pretend we didnt hear that voice say Suzy Q "? I didnt think he had heard it. He laughed and said " Well I'm not Suzy Q. So who is "? I told him " me ". He thought it was really neat. Before the night was over the whole staff in the hospital was talking about it. I have so many stories from my 20 years working there. Someone asked me one time didn't those events freak me out and I honestly had to say no. I certainly didn't ask for them but just accepted them as they happened. Never thought of them as scary but I never saw any people walking around who had passed on, as that would have shook me up for sure.

Living with COPD

Living with COPD, especially when the weather is extremely hot or cold is challenging. All the years that I smoked, that could be the main reason for my shortness of breathe. To be honest, my shortness of breathe came upon me during the pandemic. Working in a hospital in housekeeping is challenging enough on it's own, but I was the only housekeeper who handled what we called the tower (10 floors of rooms) on the 3rd shift. 8 hours of cleaning rooms with a mask on was not an easy task, especially when I was getting paged for back to back STAT cleans on rooms. In August I went into work with a really bad summer cold, they took my temperature, sent me down to the ER and I got tested and they said it was positive and sent me home. I was home almost 2 weeks before they let me go back to work. My breathing has never been the same since all that happened. They gave all the employees an ultimatium. Either get the vaccine or be fired, I chose early retirement. Vaccine or no Vaccine, I knew my working in a mask was just not going to continue. Now since I've moved to Arkansas I have had 2 acute COPD attacks. 1st one had me in the ER. I started home treatments with a nebulizer. My first visit with my Dr. had me walking up and down the hallway to see just how low my oxygen was going. Thank goodness my daughter went with me as I really didn't think I was going to make it up and down that hallway by myself. So now I'm on oxygen as needed at home. My 2nd acute attack was not as bad as my first and it helps that I have the equipment here to help take care of it. plus I have maintenance meds. I never realized how much energy your body puts out when it's struggling to breathe. I was struggling when Tony went into the hospital and on my last Dr. visit, over a few month's ago I had lost weight. I was thinking with all those Cup A Soups I eat, I would have gained. We are under another extreme heat warning for the next 3 days. I will be staying inside and eating my Cup A Soups. LOL

Just Me

I've discovered, at least for me, there's a huge difference in depression and sadness. When I went through clinical depression, I didn't care where I was or if I even changed clothes. I just wanted to be alone. I could sit and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours. I would make myself eat, but cry the whole time I was eating as my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't distinguish one fron the other. With sadness I want to eat, just have a hard time eating a regular meal. I usually have a few bites of dinner then cook me Cup A Soups later, which drives my daughter crazy. When I'm alone I want to be around people and when I'm around people I want to be alone. I at least try occupying my time with shows, movies or games on my phone. I do tend to sleep a lot. I still can't watch any of the shows Tony and I watched together everyday. I know this does not make sense to most people but when I was depressed the crying would be from the racing thoughts in my head. With grief it's from my heart, a longing for what I know will never be again. Both cause confusion, the inability to make a decision or if you do then you second guess was it the right decision. In truth, I was sad long before Tony passed. Watching his health fail over the years, knowing my time was limited with him. He mentioned on numerous occasions that he was tired. Tired of the dizzy spells, tired of the confusion, tired of not knowing what was wrong with himself. I am learning to breathe again. We all have good and bad days. I'm taking it one day at a time. I am very grateful for the support I get. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned is reach out to family and friend's when you need help. You will discover you are surrounded with love and support.

Summer Heat

I remember the first year the heat index in Jonesboro Arkansas hit 113°. My Dad took a picture of it on the T.V. My Greatgrandma Sharpe would tell me of the times the heat would be so oppresive that they would sleep outside in the breezeway of the house. My allergies got so bad one summer, that all I could do was constantly sneeze. I think it kept my parents awake as they took me to the family Dr. He suggested a window air conditioner unit, to filter out the pollen that was causing all the sneezing. I felt like I was in heaven, no sneezing and I was comfortably cool. Much better than the breeze from the window created by the attic fan we had.

Splish, Splash

Summer rain, nothing else quite feels like it. The smell of the fresh rain. Memories of rushing outdoors, splashing in the puddles in our barefeet. We had a ditch that was about 3 foot deep that ran along the front of our yard. When it rained a lot it would fill up. If it didn't fill up but half way we would jump into it, with our tenny shoes on as people would throw their soda bottles out of their cars and sometimes they would bust. Very rare you see a ditch along a house now as they all have pipes underground for the water to move through. Our family home had no Air Conditioning, we had an attic fan and window fans. Mom would shoosh us outside after breakfast so she could get her housework done. The house was hot during the day so it was better to just play outside. We used the waterhose to cool off with. There was always plenty of kids to play with. I remember before we moved to Arkansas we lived in Rockford, Illinois. There was 2 boys next door I did not like playing with or rather I did not like them playing on our swingset. One time they got on the teeter totter part of it and I rammed my head into the underpart of one of the seats to stop it. We wound up in the Doctors office. I don't remember if i got stitches but I do remember that huge lollipop he gave me. Now I think back on it. When I repeated that action again and the 2nd time I did get stitches. Was it all because I wanted another of those big lollipops? Our Dad removed the teeter totter. When we moved from Illinois to Arkansas, I remember the swingset got put up without the teeter totter on it. Years later Dad built a shed with a leanto carport on it. He paved the driveway, even under the carport. Everytime I stepped up into that shed, I could look down and a corner of that yellow teeter totter seat stuck out from where it had been buried underneath that asphalt.

From Sun Up to Sun Down

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee from Sun Up to Sun Down. >

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Chicken Scratch, Blu and me starting over at 67

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch ". For that brief moment in time the room isn't empty. His spirit fills the room. I know Blu and I will be fine.

Hospice, hand squeezes and 4 pm to 12:30 am

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. Everytime I told him where he was he squeezed my hand. I hold onto that memory. I was so scared when they brought him home. I knew after everyone left it would just be him, me and his dog Blu. Now I look back on it and realize he squeezed my hand to tell me he loved me and was thankful to be at home. He was safe from dying scared and alone. March 22 2026 My watch was over, a new life, different life, uncharted waters lay ahead for me.