Beth & Kenny

My truly wonderful daughter has really been a brave strong woman this past week. She stayed at the hospital while Kenny went through quadruple bypass surgery and when he got into ICU and then his regular room. They came home on the 29th of September. I sat in the frontroom and watched her as she took control of what needed to be done. Kenny is restricted for the next 8 weeks to doing basically nothing, which is not sitting well with him at all. So we've appointed him Supervisor for the time being. I'm really very proud of both of them. It's going to be rough for them for the next few months. but I'm sure they will manage to get through it. Beth is going to get a small sampling of what I went throgh with Tony for 5 years. It takes a special gift to endure caregiving and I believe she has that gift.

Caregiver

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Blu, I and a Few Belongings

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch "

My Boyfriend Tony

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. That morning my watch was over.