Miss. Sheeva Marie

Yesreday, Beth (my daughter) and I were in the kitchen. Her kitten Sheeva was head first down in a package of dum dums. She pulled out a Sour Apple and put it on the table. Beth put it back in the bag and Kenny her fiancé put the bag up. Well, Beth put the bag back on the table to see what Sheeva would do and sure enough she went back into that bag and pulled out another lollipop "Sour Apple ". Beth and I moved to the frontroom. It wasn't long and we hear a lollipop hit the floor. Beth got up to look and it was the same flavor. We went back to chatting and laughing and the whole time Sheeva is busy in that bag. when we got up to look there was several lollipop on the floor and they were "Sour Apple". I think she is telling us what her favorite flavor is or at least her favorite smell. LOL Sour Apple

Do You Believe?

A Few nights after Tony passed away, I said outloud. I need to know your watching over us. I was watching a documentary on You Tube. I had a dinner tray in front of me and had my computer and cigarettes with lighter sitting on top of it. Blu and I both jumped at the same time when my lighter fell off my pack of cigarettes. The table was a full foot away from the couch. I sat there and stared at that lighter and then said Thank You. They say ask for something that seems impossible. I actually couldn't think of a single thing. I actually believe in spirits leaving us signs. Although when I worked at the hospital it was more pranks than signs. I started out on 1st shift there and one day another housekeeper and I were standing at her cart chatting. The carts were metal and had a metal lip around the whole top to keep you equipment from falling off. In the middle of one of her sentences a spray bottle just jumped off her cart and fell to the floor. We both looked at each other and then the bottle and back to each other. Both of our eyes could not have gotten any wider open than they were. We both actually laughed. When I started 3rd shift, I went in to clean a room. I always would raise the bed up high so I wouldn't have to bend over and then would spray it down with disinfectant so it could sit the required 10 minutes while I cleaned the rest of the room. I went over to start cleaning the sink area and in the mirror I see the bed going down. I walked back over and attempted to push the up button but the bed wouldnt raise back up. I proudly announced to the room. Thats fine, you have your fun but that is going to make my back really ache bad having to stoop over and in the mirror I see the bed going back up. Always polite I tell the room Thank You. After my Mom passed and my first night back to work I was going into a room to clean it. There was a male nurse in there gathering up all the equipment they had used on the patient. I start as usual with the bed and I heard the name Suzy Q whispered. I turn to him and Im thinking that wasn't a male voice and besides only my Mom called me that as my middle name is Sue. I turned back to start spraying the bed and the nurse says " Are we just going to pretend we didnt hear that voice say Suzy Q "? I didnt think he had heard it. He laughed and said " Well I'm not Suzy Q. So who is "? I told him " me ". He thought it was really neat. Before the night was over the whole staff in the hospital was talking about it. I have so many stories from my 20 years working there. Someone asked me one time didn't those events freak me out and I honestly had to say no. I certainly didn't ask for them but just accepted them as they happened. Never thought of them as scary but I never saw any people walking around who had passed on, as that would have shook me up for sure.

Living with COPD

Living with COPD, especially when the weather is extremely hot or cold is challenging. All the years that I smoked, that could be the main reason for my shortness of breathe. To be honest, my shortness of breathe came upon me during the pandemic. Working in a hospital in housekeeping is challenging enough on it's own, but I was the only housekeeper who handled what we called the tower (10 floors of rooms) on the 3rd shift. 8 hours of cleaning rooms with a mask on was not an easy task, especially when I was getting paged for back to back STAT cleans on rooms. In August I went into work with a really bad summer cold, they took my temperature, sent me down to the ER and I got tested and they said it was positive and sent me home. I was home almost 2 weeks before they let me go back to work. My breathing has never been the same since all that happened. They gave all the employees an ultimatium. Either get the vaccine or be fired, I chose early retirement. Vaccine or no Vaccine, I knew my working in a mask was just not going to continue. Now since I've moved to Arkansas I have had 2 acute COPD attacks. 1st one had me in the ER. I started home treatments with a nebulizer. My first visit with my Dr. had me walking up and down the hallway to see just how low my oxygen was going. Thank goodness my daughter went with me as I really didn't think I was going to make it up and down that hallway by myself. So now I'm on oxygen as needed at home. My 2nd acute attack was not as bad as my first and it helps that I have the equipment here to help take care of it. plus I have maintenance meds. I never realized how much energy your body puts out when it's struggling to breathe. I was struggling when Tony went into the hospital and on my last Dr. visit, over a few month's ago I had lost weight. I was thinking with all those Cup A Soups I eat, I would have gained. We are under another extreme heat warning for the next 3 days. I will be staying inside and eating my Cup A Soups. LOL

Just Me

I've discovered, at least for me, there's a huge difference in depression and sadness. When I went through clinical depression, I didn't care where I was or if I even changed clothes. I just wanted to be alone. I could sit and do absolutely nothing for hours and hours. I would make myself eat, but cry the whole time I was eating as my emotions were so jumbled up, I couldn't distinguish one fron the other. With sadness I want to eat, just have a hard time eating a regular meal. I usually have a few bites of dinner then cook me Cup A Soups later, which drives my daughter crazy. When I'm alone I want to be around people and when I'm around people I want to be alone. I at least try occupying my time with shows, movies or games on my phone. I do tend to sleep a lot. I still can't watch any of the shows Tony and I watched together everyday. I know this does not make sense to most people but when I was depressed the crying would be from the racing thoughts in my head. With grief it's from my heart, a longing for what I know will never be again. Both cause confusion, the inability to make a decision or if you do then you second guess was it the right decision. In truth, I was sad long before Tony passed. Watching his health fail over the years, knowing my time was limited with him. He mentioned on numerous occasions that he was tired. Tired of the dizzy spells, tired of the confusion, tired of not knowing what was wrong with himself. I am learning to breathe again. We all have good and bad days. I'm taking it one day at a time. I am very grateful for the support I get. I guess the biggest lesson I have learned is reach out to family and friend's when you need help. You will discover you are surrounded with love and support.

Summer Heat

I remember the first year the heat index in Jonesboro Arkansas hit 113°. My Dad took a picture of it on the T.V. My Greatgrandma Sharpe would tell me of the times the heat would be so oppresive that they would sleep outside in the breezeway of the house. My allergies got so bad one summer, that all I could do was constantly sneeze. I think it kept my parents awake as they took me to the family Dr. He suggested a window air conditioner unit, to filter out the pollen that was causing all the sneezing. I felt like I was in heaven, no sneezing and I was comfortably cool. Much better than the breeze from the window created by the attic fan we had.

Splish, Splash

Summer rain, nothing else quite feels like it. The smell of the fresh rain. Memories of rushing outdoors, splashing in the puddles in our barefeet. We had a ditch that was about 3 foot deep that ran along the front of our yard. When it rained a lot it would fill up. If it didn't fill up but half way we would jump into it, with our tenny shoes on as people would throw their soda bottles out of their cars and sometimes they would bust. Very rare you see a ditch along a house now as they all have pipes underground for the water to move through. Our family home had no Air Conditioning, we had an attic fan and window fans. Mom would shoosh us outside after breakfast so she could get her housework done. The house was hot during the day so it was better to just play outside. We used the waterhose to cool off with. There was always plenty of kids to play with. I remember before we moved to Arkansas we lived in Rockford, Illinois. There was 2 boys next door I did not like playing with or rather I did not like them playing on our swingset. One time they got on the teeter totter part of it and I rammed my head into the underpart of one of the seats to stop it. We wound up in the Doctors office. I don't remember if i got stitches but I do remember that huge lollipop he gave me. Now I think back on it. When I repeated that action again and the 2nd time I did get stitches. Was it all because I wanted another of those big lollipops? Our Dad removed the teeter totter. When we moved from Illinois to Arkansas, I remember the swingset got put up without the teeter totter on it. Years later Dad built a shed with a leanto carport on it. He paved the driveway, even under the carport. Everytime I stepped up into that shed, I could look down and a corner of that yellow teeter totter seat stuck out from where it had been buried underneath that asphalt.

From Sun Up to Sun Down

From 2020 to 2026, I was basically Chief Cook and Bottle Washer. I was responsible for everything from high level decisions to small chores. Tony had Dementia. The last few years, was when it really took its toll. Forgetting how to work the t.v. remote really hit him hard. I had to stop what I was doing to go change the channel for him. He would write checks and tear them in half and get them ready to mail. I never got an answer to why he did that. He always had a pre-packaged breakfast bowl every morning. I had to unplug the microwave so I could be there as it got to where he would forget to put the bowl in the microwave but still run it for the 4 minutes like the bowl was in there but he was standing right there with bowl in his hand. Living the life of a caretaker for those years, when it came to an end it felt like when I retired from the hospital. What do I do now? I was used to getting up at 5 am and constantly on the go until around 9 pm. For the first time in over 25 years I was by myself. The stress of him going into the hospital for almost 3 months was hard for me to handle. Other people were taking care of him. I would go visit and sometimes he actually knew who I was. I didn't sleep much, maybe a few hours a night. Very thankful for my older and younger sister checking up on me and my daughter Beth, would text me several times a day. I love them more than my coffee and trust me. I love my coffee from Sun Up to Sun Down. >

New Surroundings

I knew pets grieve, I just never knew the extent of it. I had no choice but to move Blu and I to Arkansas. Not only did she lose her buddy and the place she was raised in now she had to quickly adjust to new people, sounds and smells. When we arrived at my daughter's place, she decided right away, no one was coming near me. It's been a hard adjustment for her. She still has to wear a muzzle when she's out of the bedroom. i had to have her medicated for the first visit to the Vet. The bedroom door has to be closed when she's not muzzled. She has her own bed but still refuses to sleep on it. Ive had to put a seperate blanket on my bed for her and even then she trenbles ofen during the night. Occasionally she'll let out a soft howl. She never did that before the move. She's still very over protective of me. Vet says thats normal as I'm the only human she has left. We've been here a few months now. She still barks and growls at the family members but her eating and drinking have resumed being normal. She's a 5 and a half year old Boxer and I just noticed a few weeks ago she is starting to get some gray on her face.

Chicken Scratch, Blu and me starting over at 67

After Tony passed away, I knew in the back of my mind I should call the hospice nurse and his children straight away. I also knew once everyone showed up, I wouldn't have another moment alone with him. So I spent some time with him before I made the call. My thoughts turned to Blu. Would his children want her? Would I lose her also? They hardly came over to see their Dad the 18 years I lived there. When they did come over Tony would put her in her kennel. She would growl and bark at them. To my relief they didn't want her. Blu and I had to move to Arkansas soon after the funeral as his son was anxious to sell the house, cars, his motorcycle. I only had enough time to pack my clothes, a few of Blu's toys, a few pictures off the wall and a stack of papers I had been collecting over the past few months. In that stack of papers I had several with his handwriting on them. In the middle of the night when I wake up missing him, just going through those papers soothes my soul. Just seeing his handwriting lifts my spirits up. I can hear him chuckling over the fact that for 18 years i called his handwriting " Chicken Scratch ". For that brief moment in time the room isn't empty. His spirit fills the room. I know Blu and I will be fine.

Hospice, hand squeezes and 4 pm to 12:30 am

My boyfriend Tony who I lived with for 18 years, passed away in March of this year. I just feel lost, hurt and angry. I've never been one for sharing, especially putting a voice to my feelings to anyone. I get angry because I was his full time Caregiver over his health as it started failing. I felt like it was up to me to keep him safe and I feel like I failed both of us. It was so unexpected. He went into the hospital January and in February they discovered he had esophageal cancer in the late stages. I know I shouldn't punish myself but I cant stop wondering how the heck did we miss that. His daughter had him brought home on March 21st at 4 p.m. on hospice as he always said he wanted to pass away at home. At 12:30 a.m. on March 22nd he was gone. The one thing that brings joy to me was he knew he was home. Everytime I told him where he was he squeezed my hand. I hold onto that memory. I was so scared when they brought him home. I knew after everyone left it would just be him, me and his dog Blu. Now I look back on it and realize he squeezed my hand to tell me he loved me and was thankful to be at home. He was safe from dying scared and alone. March 22 2026 My watch was over, a new life, different life, uncharted waters lay ahead for me.

Finding time !!

Seems like I don't really have the time to get on my computer like I used to but that maybe because since my Dr. added another anti-depressant to my citalopram, I actually feel more like doing things that involve a life away from the computer.  Am sure some will find that a strange statement, but it is the truth.  Getting your life back after an complete emotional breakdown is possible !!!!  It will never be the same as it was, but at the same time it is better in a lot of ways. 

Hard to believe Summer is almost half way over with and our a/c could use a break already.  It has ran continuously all week trying to keep the house cool. 

We had quite a few branches cut off of the trees close to the house plus the 15 ft. spruce came completely down.  So Tony and I get out there late so it is a few degrees cooler and chop them up into small lengths so they get picked up with the trash.  I have learned a very important lesson through this.  Don't trust the person with the chain saw to always cut so the sawdust is going away from me.  I was busy yakking as usual and Tony cut one of the branches at an odd angle and I wound up with a face full of sawdust.  When I looked up I was wondering who had the more surprised look on our faces..  We had a good laugh over it and managed to finish the one pile without any more sawdust flying in my face.. :-)

We finished the day off with giving Baxter a bath outside and before it was all over with Baxter was standing out in the midle of the yard just looking at both of us, as we fought over who could get the other one the wettest... 

December 16, 2010

Icy roads this morning created a few problems although I made it to work just fine. Took this pic after I slide into my parking spot at the hospital. Nervous from the short trip there but very thankful that I didn't slide into any ditches. Saw quite a few cars off the road. I just put putted to work....hahahaha

Tis the season for ice and snow though....We have been so cold this week that the snow we got this past Sunday is still on the ground and on alot of the side roads.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sharon

Just testing sending from phone.

Sept 28, 2010

Finally a few days that feel like Fall is here. This pic was taken by skyzoom 4 this morning overlooking Saint Louis.

I am looking forward to winter....My favorite time of the year.

Tony and I have been working on the house one day at a time. I scrubbed the bathroom from floor to ceiling and took out all the old caulk and Sunday I replaced all the caulk. My legs are still screaming at me...can't decide if it is old age or lack of exercise or a combination of both. Tomorrow is my day off and I will be taking down all the curtains in the bedroom and cleaning it from floor to ceiling. I might not be able to walk after that one...hahahaha

Hope everyone has a Wonderful week

Sharon

One Of Those Days...hahahaha

Guess I was more alseep than awake this morning when I was getting ready for work. One of the patients and I were discussing shoes and I mentioned that I liked working in Dr. Scholls and looked down and had to add to my surprise that apparently today I only wanted to work in one of them as I had on my left foot a Dr. Scholls and on my right was one of my yard work shoes.

Needless to say she laughed so hard and loud that when I went to the next room that patient wanted to know what was so funny and I had to tell him and this went on most of the day. The floor Supervisor of the Nursing Staff mentioned as I was going home that I needed to be on this floor more often as she had not heard so many patients laugh and enjoy themselves more than they had today... naturally I told everyone that I am wearing the other pair tomorrow...hahahaha

Hope everyone is having as good of a week as I am... :-)

Oh My !!

Baxter has decided since I threw his old chair away to take up sleeping on the couch...ha ha ha
We thought he was adjusting to his new chair but as you can see he is not...
Life has been very busy the past few months. Hard to believe that we are into July already.
It is my day off and as usual I am playing catch up with the housework...
Tony has surgery on his eye the 23rd of this month and he and I both are looking forward to it as right now he can't even see out of his right eye.
I had been having extensive dental work done on my teeth but that has been put on hold for several more weeks while I take some antibiotics for an infection from the work.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful week and staying inside and keeping cool
Sharon

Well it was a wild and stormy night last night first I am texting my daughter from the basement where Baxter and I were sitting during our Tornado Sirens going off here and then a few hours later she is texting me from her basement as her family is sitting during the Tornado Sirens that were going off there in Arkansas.

I'm very thankful that we are all safe this morning.

I haven't heard from Tony yet but I am sure they got out on the golf course early... I hope they are having good weather.

I had to literally shove Baxter down the stairs and then it was a contest between his howling and the thunder and for a while there he was winning...hahahaha

After it was over I guess he was used to it down there and I had to shove him back up the stairs. Whew!! What a night.

I have a very busy day planned although I am late getting started as I slept in this morning.

I hope the rest of the weekend goes well for everyone.

Sharon

One of those days...LOL

Well it started out that way anyway... I couldn't find my umbrella this morning, thought I left it in my car and it was drizzling when I left for work. When I parked my car it started pouring down and then I remembered I had put it up on the counter last night when Tony and I went to dinner so Baxter wouldn't destroy it. Yes, 3 years old and he is still all puppy.

Needless to say I was pretty wet by the time I almost reached the hospital and to save a few extra steps I cut through a part with grass on it...Big mistake as my feet slipped and I landed on my backside..thank goodness the grass hadn't really gotten wet yet... I was suppose to mail my netflix movie back and walked right past the mailboxes that are almost in your way going into the building. I always go get my girlfriend Carol a glass of tea from the Cafeteria as she doesn't get to work until the last minute and we are not allowed to go there after we start work. Spilt the first foam glass full and had to get another. All this within 15 minutes of getting to work.

Glad that the rest of the day went fine :-) I got to work on the 3rd floor of the hospital which is the Psych floor. I like to work there as I guess I have a lot of empathy for the patients in this unit. I enjoy talking to them and even more being able to encourage them that overcoming depression can be done, I am a living example of that.

Tony left today for his annual golf trip with his buddies. Baxter will plant himself in his chair at the front window and stay there whining for the next 6 days.

I have several days off as I know I won't get much sleep from all that whining...hahahahaha

Hope everyone has a Great Week.

Sharon

Early Morning Rambling's

What fun the past few weeks have been. I am already tired of the snow and Winter is just getting started. It is almost 4 a.m. and I am wide awake. The temperature outside is 5 but with the windchill it is -7. Brrrr.. I have the next several days off and I have a very busy schedule planned. With all the hours I have put in this past month, I have neglected quite a bit of stuff around the house here.
I saw on Facebook today that my granddaughter Stacey got her first tooth in. Sammy better watch out now..
I turned 51 a few days ago. I had a really nice Birthday even though I had to work that day. Tony cooked me a wonderful dinner and had a cheesecake topped with strawberries. Yummy !! It is definitely all gone now, Tony only got one piece of it...hahahahaha
Two Birthdays stick out in my memory as my favorites. One was when I got a doll called Little Miss No Name. She had a sad looking face with a teardrop on it. I loved that doll. I wish I still had her. I have no idea what ever happened to her. The other was when I got my Sewing Machine. That I still have or rather it is still in my Dad's house. I wish I had it with me but with the circumstances like they are I will never go back there to get it.
We have another chance of a few snow squalls coming through today. Makes for a good day to stay indoors but knowing Tony he will want to get out and drive around the city for awhile. As always I grab the camera and hop into that passenger seat... There is always something interesting to photograph.
I hope everyone has a pleasant week.
Sharon

Hi

LOL...The child is more than likely thinking this lady is crazy...LOL But at least she was paying attention to me...hahahaha

Going through my pictures and transferring them to discs. It has been wonderful so far watching the twins grow up through their pictures. I am fortunate that my daughter Beth thinks enough to take them for me all the time. Won't be going home for Christmas as I have to work the holiday, but my thoughts will be with my family. Hopefully will be going home after the first of the year weather permitting.

Tony and I did a lot of cleaning and catching up on some repairs around here this past weekend. I have worked the past two days and I am just wore out. Mostly from working along with this cold I have.

I hope everyone is having a good week and just in case I don't get back on here the rest of this week... I hope Everyone has a Very Merry Christmas...

Sharon